Dear parents
Things I might need to tell you:
Parents raise children. That’s what makes them parents. In doing so, they may involve others in the community, like teachers at a school or members of a faith-based community.
On enrolling the child in a school, parents are ostensibly raising the child together with the staff at that school. In law, the school staff effectively act in loco parentis, Latin for, ‘in the place of a parent’.
Entrusted with the care of children, teachers guide, counsel, discipline and educate them, taking on responsibility and some authority to protect and teach the children in the hours that they are together with them.
Parents consent that, in their absence through a school day, teachers act in their place. Upfront, the code of behaviour, values and purpose of the school are agreed upon and signed in the initial considerations and contract.
Loco parentis is a weighty responsibility, accepted by professionals in education with the gravitas it deserves.
Teachers and therapists commit to doing their best to notice, see and care for the child as if their own.
Between school and home there lies a mutually trusting partnership. This ‘tag team’ is based on respect and an assumption of good intent. We all want the best for the child. Our communication should be honest and rooted in the interest of the young ‘uns we serve. There is no space for ego, no power play, no need for defensiveness.
But. All is not as it ought to be.
Sometimes, there are things we at school need to tell you that elicit big emotions and challenges for you as a parent. There are also times when we need to hear, and really listen, so as to understand your circumstance and your child’s perspective better. Communication and our engagements can be a common source of strength around the child, or a point of contention.
Teachers can consciously couch hard truths, avoid contact or sit fearful of provoking antagonism and woundedness. Parents can miss the positive reflections of their child’s strengths and aptitudes in their anxiety to fix problems.
In an age where mums and dads are so pressured to be ‘good parents’ and deliver top performing children (make that over-achieving-anxious-and-stressed-minors- on-the-way-to-burnout-by-age-sixteen), when I say what I need to say it runs the risk of being perceived as judgment.
In defence, parents often push back to dominate or quell what they internalise as criticism, when its everything but. They miss the opportunity to harness support from their closest ally – the person in place of them at school.
If parent and loco parentis acted as one, I’d say what I need to say about your child and you would too. It would be said in an environment of trust and with care. We’d bring our observations forward because these tender years form the time when we can raise a child in the way she should go.
If I fear your big emotions, and hold off, then we’ve missed the window to send values-driven, self-aware, empathetic and responsible children into a world that will be far less forgiving and kind than school. At this school-going age, there are very, very few incidents that can’t be handled together.
I choose to see you, the parent, as fully invested in your child. I commit that everything I need to say is only raised in hope for her brighter future.